BIZARRE ADVENTURES #34

“Son of Santa!”
Writer: Mark Gruenwald
Artist: Alan Kupperberg

A young homeless man in New York is approached by a midget with an offer. He claims to be a talent scout for a Japanese action movie and gives the man a plane ticket to Japan and a thousand dollar bill. So on the plane the little man hijacks it and forces the man to parachute out over the north pole. They come on the ruins of a building with dead reindeer and elfs. Santa is also encased in a block of ice. Seems the boy is Santa’s son who was abandoned with a family to raise. Only the family was not very good. So the man now has to battle the anti-Claus. He eventually traps him in the magic bag. So the son with Donner and Blitzen the only surviving reindeer assumes the mantle of Santa Claus. Only he decides to relocate operations to the Bahamas.

“Howard the Duck’s Christmas”
Writer: Steve Grant
Artist: Paul Smith

Howard the Duck is going to jump off the Golden Gate bridge on Christmas Eve. An angel comes to show him his life if he never lived. So first is Paul Same who he stopped from killing an art critic. Only in this life Paul is famous for the act and about to be pardoned. Then it is Arthur Winslow an author who Howard saved from being a slave to aliens. Only now he is a successful screenwriter. Then Bev his girlfriend who is about to marry a heir to a billion dollar fortune. Howard decides not to kill himself and the angel gets his wings.

“Dr Deth not to Mention Kip and Muffy”
Writer and Artist: Larry Hama

In a post-apocalyptic world Dr. Deth and his companions Kip and Muffy stop some mutants and rescue a little baby.

“Slaybells!”
Writer and Artist: Michael Carlin

A young boy goes around killing Santas at Christmas. Seems years ago his father was looking out a window and Santa fell on him and squashed him to death. So one Christmas the boy ambushes Santa. Years later he is released from prison but as he gets home his mother is squashed by a giant Easter egg. Promises another story if there is an Easter special.

“Santa Bites the Big Apple!”
Writer and Artist: Alan Milgrom

Santa comes to New York and has no luck. He is mistaken for a Hare Khrishna and attacked by guard dogs. He almost gets killed by a jealous boyfriend with a shotgun. The police throw him in jail for vagrancy but he manages to escape through the air vent. Later he finds his sleigh stripped and reindeer gone. He also got a parking ticket. So he comes up with the only way to give presents in New York a discount store. Everyone steals from the place but good is relative. At least nobody has tried to shoot him.

“Bucky Bizarre”
Writer: Steve Skeates
Artist: Steve Smallwood

Bucky travels to the time of Dickens because that Christmas was not commercialized. He meets up with a girl trying to sell matches who is a revolutionary who plans to blow up the home of the matches company.

“From the Warp of Denny O’Neil
By Denny O’Neil

An editorial on all the problems of Christmas.

So this was the final issue ever of Bizarre Adventures. It was in color and not in magazine format. As the cover suggests it is a very anti-Christmas issue. I loved all the stories. They were funny. Even the Bucky Bizarre and I never liked that character. A good tongue in cheek Christmas issue.

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