BELIT & VALERIA SWORDS VS SORCERY #5

“Untitled”

Writer: Max Bemis

Artist: Rodney Buchemi

Belit manages to arrange a marriage with Crom. There is mounds and mounds of profanity laced dialogue that makes no sense whatsoever. It ends with a fight and Valeria being the one to kill Crom. Only Crom at the end possesses another body.

The vandalization of these two great characters finally comes to an end. The concept of Belit and Valeria teaming up was brilliant. In the hand of Roy Thomas, Chuck Dixon or Jim Zub this would have been golden. Hell, even any other bad writer would have given us something better. Usually, you can find something redeemable in a bad writer. I find absolutely nothing in Max Bemis. He is just pure shit on a stick. His writing is vile and loathsome and makes me want to puke my guts out. How this guy gets writing jobs is beyond me. He can’t have any fans. The comics industry is really broken.

BELIT & VALERIA SWORDS VS SORCERY #4

“Untitled”

Writer: Max Bemis

Artist: Rodney Buchemi

Belit finds out that the goddess who had her children killed by Crom possessed her. We get some scene of a young Belit killing a young boy who could be a brother or son to save from brigands. The newly possessed Belit then kills all the wizards at the gathering. Later on a ship some old guy lectures her how bad this is. The wizards were keeping order and now the kings will start to war. Now they have to go after a savage barbarian who Crom wants to possess. I think.

The degradation of these beloved characters continues. When you think the story can’t get any worse, old Bemis outdoes himself. The crappy issue with nothing but endless exposition and poorly done at that. This issue we don’t even get a good Howard story to cleanse the palate. Only good thing is one more issue until it is done.

BELIT & VALERIA SWORDS VS SORCERY #3

“Untitled”

Writer: Max Bemis

Artist: Rodney Buchemi

Belit is facing an ape and starts to go through a transformation. We cut to a female demon and her children. Then Crom is apparently wakened and goes on a rampage. He starts killing all these minor gods. Apparently, there is a god of homoeroticism. He kills the Earth mother and this demon. We cut to Belit reading a book and getting mad at her writer lover for using her pain on his story. Then we cut again back to the arena and Belit transforms into some powerful being that tears apart the ape.

“The Hyborian Age”

By Robert E. Howard

The final story of the Hyborian age. Picts and Hyrkanians destroy the Hyborian civilization which a cataclysm turns into our modern world.

Wow is this a piece of shit. So, we have very little of Belit and no Valeria in a title named after them. There are tons of profanity laced dialogue. Such gems as “You must grow wet gazing into the womb that will spew your menstrual stink across the metaphorical cock of all mankind.” Yes, it is that bad. The only good thing is the Howard story. Manages to cleanse the palate from this garbage.

BELIT & VALERIA SWORDS VS SORCERY #2

“Untitled”

Writer: Max Bemis

Artist: Rodney Buscemi

Belit and Valeria bound the captured wizard to them by chopping off his hand. (Have no idea how that works.) The wizard leads them to the Festival of the Blameless. Here all the wizards that secretly rule the world gather for a debaucherously good time. Belit and Valeria infiltrate as mud wrestlers. Valeria wins and gets into the favor of the head wizard. Only this wizard knows that they are there after him and he plans something bad for Valeria. Meanwhile Belit who lost the wrestling is about to get fed to a giant ape.

“The Hyborian Age”

By Robert E. Howard.

The second part of Howards history of the Hyborian world. This part is the rise of the Picts.

The vandalization of Howard’s characters continues. After the mud wrestling, I feel I need a shower. We get a nonsensical plot filled with very crude images and dialogue. In fact, the dialogue is written by a pretentious asshole trying to sound like an intellectual. This guy has absolutely no talent in writing. I have no idea why they continue to give him work. The only good Howard material is the continuing inclusion on one of his essays at the end.

BELIT & VALERIA SWORDS VS SORCERY #1

“Untitled”

Writer: Max Bemis

Artist: Rodney Buchemi

Belit comes alive and rises from her watery grave. She finds some mermaids and asks where a lass can get properly fucked. They point to the north. She arrives at a tavern and takes some meek bard to bed. He finds out she is the famous pirate Belit brought back to life. Belit is pissed to be resurrected from the dead and makes it her goal to find out why. She gets a pirate ship and captures Valeria to trade with another for a wizard that can help her. Only the wizard turns on her and conjures a giant cobra. Cannons destroy it and Belit takes care of the treacherous guy who turned on her. She offers Valeria a chance to join her.

“The Hyborian Age“

By Robert E, Howard

An article from Howard on the history of the Hyborian age.

Belit and Valeria are two of Howard’s greatest female creations. It is amazing nobody thought of bringing these two together before. Unfortunately, they gave Max Bemis the job of writing it. He has to be the worst writer there ever was. He singlehandedly destroyed the Atari stories that Dynamite was going to do with his atrocious Centipede. He clearly doesn’t understand any of the characters. I knew when it starts off with Belit asking where she can get fucked this was not going well. Belit is a crude sex starved lout. Valeria is a kind of Jack Sparrow clone. All the dialogue is super crude with f bombs and talking about penis size. I have never seen this in any Howard adaptation over the decades and it is sad to see it here.

The only positive thing is the art is good and they included an interesting part of an essay that Howard wrote.